me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
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What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
Pot warmers of the day.
The sacred texts.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
it must be school picture day
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?