If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
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Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
Ugh but profoundly
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
My sex drive has a dui
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗