I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
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It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
Personal question. #JustSaying
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.