My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
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i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
My husband is out of town, but the cupboard doors are still open, so now I have to face some cold hard truths about myself
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
Bring back the McRib
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured