My support group can outdrink your support group.
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It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Warm pools make me nervous.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”