I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
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Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
Where’s my employee discount too?
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.