Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
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People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
Can’t stop laughing
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there