There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
You Might Also Like
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
We found love in a hopeless place.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Was it something I said?
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.