Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
You Might Also Like
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
☠️☠️☠️
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
no such thing as a dumb question
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.