[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
You Might Also Like
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
craving $300 all of a sudden
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes