“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
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I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
I have so many questions.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum