My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
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Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
We like the way Dwight thinks
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Discuss
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Lunatics are gonna loon.