You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
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Just as the prophecy foretold
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.