Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
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After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
There is no “we” in pizza
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.