My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
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Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will