My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
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I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
“our sushi is very fresh”
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me