*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
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If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
This is my pinned tweet
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
*pronounces woah like Noah*
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
I support this random dude and all his protests
😆this is so true
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.