My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
You Might Also Like
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
My dryer is celebrating lint.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.