Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
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When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
Sponch
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.