him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
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What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
#titanic
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
courtroom exchange of the day
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.