Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
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on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”