My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
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So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”