I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
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When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
I put the mess in domestic.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.