Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
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SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.