For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
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Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!