Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
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Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
work smarter, not harder
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away