my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
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I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.