Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
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Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.