“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
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‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years