Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
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My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
mechanics be like
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
They got Raph!
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.