Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
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If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
$3 #books
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry