Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
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me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Tastes like chicken.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.