Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
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Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.