😂 amazing answer
You Might Also Like
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?