they really do be looking like this
You Might Also Like
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
girls literally only want one thing..
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST