Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
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Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”