Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
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When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
I am having an out of money experience.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
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HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
subtitles are so good nowadays
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day