self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
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with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
Lmfao
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
That’s not how days work.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.