I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
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[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”