I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
You Might Also Like
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
Word.
~ Microsoft.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.