[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
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Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
“That’s what” – She
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
you stereotypes are all alike
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.