ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
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That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”