No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
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Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn鈥檛 count.
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
These are too funny not to post 馃槀
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.