[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
You Might Also Like
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough