I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
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“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
just left a huge legacy in there
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF