If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
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When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people