I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
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Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.