Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
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My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.