Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
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I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it