me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
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Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.